The Zoological Adventures of Stephenie Smith
by Wolf Heart 13
Summary: Join Steph as she encounters some of the more common/weird/wondeful creatures our planet has to offer, alongside Gwen and Kevin, and assisted by Mikey at times. And Ben may deign to tag along in the mean time ;  rated for language and themes
1. Aardvark

**AN: hiiiiiiiiiiya! I got bored, and I was watching David Attenborough and playing tetris on my laptop when I saw an aardvark ambling across the screen, and I was thinking I'd like to do a side project to Pack Animal so I have something to do when writer's block sets in, so I thought; **_**'The Zoological Adventures of Stephenie Smith!'**_** If anyone's not too sure who she is, she's one of my OCs; blonde, English, and more than slightly insane :D**

**This is basically a chance for me to mess around and be mean to poor lil'Steph xD so every so often I'll write a random oneshot involving Steph and an animal in some way from A-Z; the meaning behind each chapter may be profound, stupid, or have some relevance to…something… or not, as the case may be :D (this is also a chance for me to keep writing and not waffle off into the sunset and spoil a good plot idea for my other stories xD)**

**So, here's Steph's first adventure, involving that wonderful animal (especially when you're playing scrabble! :D) T3h AaRdVaRk**

_**Aardvark**_

Steph wound her way through the crowds at the zoo, bored out of her mind. Kevin and Gwen had given them the slip, and now she'd lost the guys as well. This was supposed to be a fun and mildly educational day out, and they all dumped her to go do their own thing.

Stalking round the corner, she spotted Ben with his face pressed against the glass of an enclosure. Quietly sneaking up on him, she grabbed him by the waist and hoisted him into the air, yelling, "BENNY!"

"_ARGH_!" his arms flailed wildly as he tried to fend her off. "Steph! What the hell?"

"You dumped me!" she shook him by the collar. "Why don't you love me anymore?"

"Let go!" he hissed; they were attracting quite a few stares from passers-by.

"Anyway," Steph pushed him out of the way so she could read the information card. "What's more interesting than hanging out with me?"

Ben started whining. "Cause Gwen and Kevin are over by the reptile house making goo-goo eyes at each other and Mikey saw that weird girl with the tiger hair and ditched me and when I turned round you weren't there anymore!"

"And looking at an aardvark exhibit was better than coming to look for me?" she said indignantly, searching the compound for said animal.

"It was just there," Ben insisted. "And I've never even seen an aardvark before! I see you everyday!"

Steph scowled at him before snapping her head round to look at the rustling bush in the corner. Out trundled Mr Aardvark, possibly one of the weirdest looking animals on Earth, after the platypus and the star-nosed mole.

It's long, tapered nose twitched inquisitively as it shuffled forward, head low so that its humped back was even more prominent, and its long tongue flicked out like a snake's, searching the ground for titbits.

Ben stood by her side, watching it flit around before standing back on its hind legs and pressing its paws against the window, reaching up to look at Steph. She knelt down to get a better look, leaning against the glass; it pressed it's nose against the place where her hand was, eyes bright and sparking with intelligence. Steph was actually quite touched by this profound moment, until Ben opened his mouth.

"That's not a aardvark!"

Steph glowered at him, and Mr Aardvark got down on all fours again and scuttled off to hide in the bushes. "Yes it is, you dumb-ass. And look what you did!" she grabbed him by the collar and shook him harder than before. "You hurt Mr Aardvark's feelings!"

"Sorry to burst in on your _moment_ with Mr Fake," Ben twisted in her grip, not quite able to disentangle himself. "But it's not an aardvark!"

"Why the hell not? It matches all the biological and morphological requirements of an _Orycteropus afer_. Besides, it says so on the plaque, dipshit."

"But it's not blue!" Ben protested.

Steph stopped shaking him to stare at him in amazement. "Where'd you get _that_ crappy fact from?"

"The aardvark from The Pink Panther doesn't look anything like _that_ thing," he pointed at the place where it had been.

Steph's jaw would have hit the ground if it hadn't been so firmly attached to her skull.

What…the…hell…

Just…_What?_

She turned away from him in disgust. "I can't believe I used to call you my best friend…" she muttered darkly, face cast to the ground and storming off into the crowd. Ben called after her, but she didn't respond. Instead, she kept pushing through the crowd until she heard someone else call her name.

"Oi! Bird brain!" Mikey was standing by a rubbish bin, crumpling up a box of some sort and chucking it inside before waving at her.

She sauntered over, still fuming, and saw Kevin and Gwen by an out door dolphin exhibit.

"What's your matter then?" Mikey asked condescendingly with a smirk before she aimed a punch at him.

Steph steamrollered up to stand beside Kevin and folded her arms, glaring a hole through the glass at the poor innocent dolphins.

"Problem?" Kevin asked, raising an eyebrow at her.

She couldn't hold it in any longer; Steph started ranting and raving about Ben's stupidity, making Kevin wince when she shook his arm. "Can you believe that stupid, pea-brained-!"

"Ssh," placed a finger to his lips. "You're scaring them away," he whispered.

True, Mikey was holding his phone up to take a picture of Gwen with a rather playful dolphin, who had its nose to the glass, spinning over and over in a rather showy manner. Gwen and Mikey were staring at Steph like she was diseased; the other dolphins were nowhere to be seem through the murky water.

"Kevin!" Steph whined. "Why don't you take my side in an argument anymore? This is Ben we're talking about, _Ben_!"

"I'm sure Benny-boy'll be just fine without us. Now if you'll excuse me," he pushed her out of the way to reach Gwen.

"They're so amazing!" she said, laughing as the dolphin tried to nuzzle at her hand through the glass. "And playful,"

"Actually, they're vicious buggers." Mikey informed her. The tragic, heartbroken look on Gwen's face had him rolling. "Honest! They're brutal to each other in the wild; take chunks out of each other's fins, gang rape each other…nasty business. I'd rather go swimming with a basking shark,"

"That's because basking sharks are filter feeders that primarily eat zooplankton and don't actively seek prey. Plus, they are one of the least aggressive breeds of shark there is." Kevin told them.

"Kevin! I didn't know you knew so much about sharks," Gwen sounded amazed.

"I saw it on the nature channel," he grinned at her. "Did you know the word Aardvark comes from Afrikaans meaning 'earth pig'?"

"You're like an encyclopaedia today," Mikey laughed. "First the lecture on the intergalactic snake trade, and now Earth mega-fauna. Ever thought of being a biology teacher?" They were completely wrapped up in their own perfect little scientific bubble.

Steph wasn't sure if she wanted to laugh at Kevin's love struck face or weep for her misfortune. "You guys don't love me anymore!" she whined.

"I got better things to do than be your babysitter," Kevin snapped, draping an arm around Gwen's waist and towing her away. She gave Steph an apologetic look, but made no move to comfort her.

Mikey shrugged, looking uneasy, and scampered after them, throwing his satchel over his head in case Steph threw something at him.

"You know what? Fine! I never wanted to be friends with you anyway!" they continued to ignore her. "I'll just back to Re'ath and not come back ever again! Then we'll see who's whose best friend!"

No response.

"I need new friends," Steph was about to slink off to find the nearest bus stop when she saw Ben running to meet her.

"Hey-!"

"Sod off Ben," she straightened herself up and marched towards the fast-food outlet.

"I was thinking," he said, managing to fall in step beside her despite her incredibly long legs.

"Really? Guess there's a first time for everything." She snarled.

"And I get why you're so grouchy lately." He seemed proud of himself.

"Oh yeah? You finally figured it out?" she snapped, thinking up all the best curses she knew to hurl at him.

"And it's okay to be jealous," he said heavily.

That stopped her dead in her tracks. "What?" where the hell had _that _come from?

"Well," Ben turned to look at her before going on ahead. "I've got Julie, Kevin's dating Gwen, and Mikey's chasing after that Newman girl from Kevin's school…and you got no one. It's perfectly normal to feel bad when you see so many couples around you, and you're still the only single." He sighed, looking up at the menus of junk food. "But trying to remedy it by chatting up a mammal that's masquerading as an aardvark…"

Steph was trying to stop herself from shaking, but she knew it was only a matter of time before the primeval urge to kill took over her senses.

"You know," he added thoughtfully. "There are a few guys on the soccer team who are still looking for dates for Prom. You should have said something before, I could hook you up with someone-"

It all proved too much for Steph to cope with. She pounced, and poor Ben didn't see it coming.

"DIE!"

XOXOX

**Not entirely sure where that went xD not where I thought it would, that's for sure…poor Ben didn't stand a chance! :P**

**I hope that was entertaining and mildly educational. Yes, I had to look up the Latin name for aardvark, I knew it began with a vowel, I just couldn't remember which one….xD seriously, if you like wildlife look up Sir David Attenborough; the word legend was created just for him as far as biology goes :D**

**Next episode coming soon….whenever I have another random moment, which shouldn't be too long in the making ;) feedback is gratefully appreciated and rewarded with virtual cookies! :D**

**xxx**


	2. Bear

**AN: funny story about this one xD I was baby sitting for some friends, and the two older girls were playing with care bears. Now I don't have much love for those things, but their little baby brother sat there screaming his head off when they tried to get him to join in, and I sat there laughing my head off xD**

**And then I flippantly said to someone my friends and I wanted to go backpacking in the Rockies and he showed me some very disturbing pictures of the aftermath of a bear attack, which sort of put me off going outside after dark in rural parts of the American continent for life :P**

**So I got home and was like B – bear! :D**

**Born of a random weekend, I am proud to present episode two of Steph's mini series :)**

_**Bear**_

They were everywhere she went, stalking her every move; Steph couldn't get away from them. It was creepy and unnatural and she didn't like it one bit.

The source of her discomfort?

_Care Bears_.

They were bloody everywhere! Erin and Ella were running around with at least a dozen between them; even when Steph swung by Kevin's house for a bit, his little sister was playing with a few.

But the ultimate insult was when she went shopping with Julie and Gwen for clothes the next day. They passed a toyshop, and the two girls gushed excitedly about the stupid things sitting in the window, all cute and cuddly and calculating on the top shelf.

Eww…

The final straw was when Gwen – oh so very nonchalantly at that – mentioned that Kevin had bought her one as a six-month anniversary present. Steph wanted to vomit.

Gross! He'd actually _touched_ one of those icky teddy bears? Let alone _bought_ one! That was just plain _wrong_. Steph stalked off to go look for jeans in the sales rack at a discount store, leaving Gwen and Julie to go look for dresses. Would it be below the belt to spam his Facebook account about this? _I think not_, Steph thought, roughly shoving the line of jeans back so she could reach a promising pair.

Ugh, the cruel irony of being half Avis and living on Earth! Anything that would remotely fit her in the leg was about twice as wide in the waist as Kevin was broad in the shoulder. Why couldn't people be considerate to half-breeds like her, who didn't fit the mould in either species?

This world was full of evil people…like the ones who created the care bears.

XOXOX

"What's so wrong about it?" Gwen demanded.

They were convened, for once, at Kevin's house. There were several reasons for this; one, Gwen's parents had guests for dinner and she was terrified for her life because the man's son was a complete perv (Steph couldn't blame her); two, Ben's parents were out of town and he couldn't be bothered to host; and three, Gerald's ex was visiting to see the twins, and Steph, Mikey, Tom and Dylan had sadly made previous engagements that couldn't be broken.

Namely, Steph had agreed to fly by and see Kevin five minutes before the bitch arrived.

Now she was regretting her hasty escape, because when she entered the basement, Gwen was splayed out on the bed, doing chemistry homework, with an obnoxiously pink cuddly bear by her side. Ben and Mikey were plugged into the XBox, playing Halo and ignoring the others.

"There's nothing wrong with an abomination of the animal world," Steph snarled. "And the fact that some poor Chinese kid locked in a cell had to make it on a payment of ten pence _a day_!"

"Actually," Kevin drawled, lounging in his swivel seat and typing out an essay with one hand, supporting his neck with the other, "It's a Canadian brand that's manufactured in Vancouver, Taiwan and Korea. I dunno about ethics, but I'm pretty sure they're all factory made and the workers get decent pay."

Steph narrowed her eyes at him.

"That's a really racist comment to make, you know," he added, goading her.

"Shut up! I went to a school with a large overseas boarding community and the vast majority of them came from Hong Kong! They're the ones that told me about the basically slave labour that-!"

"It's an industrial revolution." Gwen said from over her books. "Just like England in the eighteen-hundreds. Pay back then was pretty lousy too,"

"Yeah, they had to have more kids just so they had something to put on the table at Christmas!" Kevin laughed.

Gwen threw her care bear at him. "That's horrible!"

He grinned, unrepentant, and threw it back at her. They started a rally, which lasted for about a minute before Steph intercepted and took the offending stuffed toy and inspected it closely.

"Kill joy," Kevin muttered.

"_You got mail_!" the computer chimed, and he set about checking his email.

"What's so appealing about an obviously fake, stuffed bear-like _thing_ with creepy black eyes and full frontal body tattoos?" Steph demanded, shaking the…_thing_ with its sickening little strawberry patch on its stomach and its obnoxious little smile. "I mean, what image are they trying to send to little kids? Have a flavour tattooed on your face to make people think you smell nice? There's this thing, right? It's called a _shower,_"

Gwen snatched it out of her hands and hugged it to her chest. "You're such a bitch, Steph. Seriously!"

"It's just a toy! Come off it, Gwen. You've got a trunk load of fluffy crap under your bed at home, don't deny it. You need one more fluffy ass toy in your life?"

Gwen stroked its rounded ear, looking from the back of Kevin's chair to Steph, and then down at the bear in her arms. "This one's different…"

"Oh yeah?" Steph smirked, watching Kevin stiffen in his seat.

"…This one smells likes strawberries…" Gwen murmured, looking up at Steph with hurt filled eyes. "I really _like_ strawberries,"

Steph grabbed at it again, but Gwen rolled out of the way. Before she could do anything else Steph jumped onto the bed, wrestling it from Gwen's arms. Standing up and stepping away from the bed, she held the thing aloft before pressing its belly against her nose and inhaling.

"Give it back! _Steph_!" Gwen chased after her.

Weird…it actually smelled like strawberries. Honest to God strawberries, not the crappy synthetic shit that most toys were made of.

Gwen used one of her grading techniques; she swept a hand up into Steph's face, making her flinch back, and using her sudden imbalance to sweep her feet out from underneath her. Steph landed on the floor with a loud thud, and Gwen stormed off to the computer with her care bear tucked under one arm, glowering at Steph as she went.

She perched on the arm of the chair, shoulders hunched, before Kevin swept out an arm and pulled her onto his lap with a squeak.

Steph stood up, dusted herself off, and slunk up behind the chair, leaning against it with her arms folded, and reading the email he'd received over his shoulder.

"I demand you turn over your Man Card." She said boldly.

"Nope," he scrolled down, reading the message. Something about Americans and guns…

"You've had this coming a long time. Gimme y'Man Card," she poked him.

"Ain't gonna happen." He said, hitting the mouse against the table. "Stupid thing…"

"You're whipped. By a girl. You bought a freakin' _Care Bear_. I demand satisfaction!" she pulled one of her fingerless gloves off and slapped him round the face with it.

Kevin grabbed her hand and twisted it to one side, causing her to fall over, clinging to the side of the chair and howl in pain.

"Lemme go lemme go lemme go _for God's sake_ lemme go!" she whined.

"I'll only turn in my man card when I do the unthinkable." He said seriously.

"_Please _let go…"

He released her, and Steph slumped to the floor in a heap, not bothering to get up. This was actually a very comfortable patch of floor…

"And what's the unthinkable?" Gwen asked condescendingly.

"Buy one of these stupid bears for myself."

"I knew you didn't like Rosé really," she giggled.

The comment made Steph sit bolt up right, banging her head against the underside of the chair as she went. "Ow!" grumbling further, she pulled herself up and glowered at Gwen. "You called it…_what_ exactly?"

"Rosé. It means pink in French." She smirked down at Steph.

"I hate you guys. I don't know why I hang out with you…"

"There's the door," Kevin offered.

Steph huffed loudly, and pushed the chair away so she could read the email. "Who'd email _you_ anyway?"

"River thought I'd find something interesting," he shrugged. "But you're getting in the way," he added menacingly.

Steph ignored him, scrolling up to read from the beginning:

_Hiya :)_

_So I was having this argument with a couple of friends of mine when one said Americans are all crazy gun wielding maniacs (have to admit, in some places they are ;) ) and the other came in and said along the lines of 'the wildlife is shit scary out there!' and she showed us some disturbing pictures. If you ever feel the call of the wild and go backpacking in the wilderness FOR GODSSAKE TAKE A GUN!_

She prattled on for a bit longer before getting to the attached files. They showed the grizzly aftermath of a bear attack, and the injuries the man had sustained. Kevin, wide-eyed, said, "Tasty," and Gwen just turned at looked the other way.

"Nice," Steph wasn't sure if she'd ever go out into the wilderness again after that.

The last bit of the email said; _so there's a reason why most Americans have a gun, cause a lot of shit goes down in Alaska! xD remember this when you're next fixing to go camping ;) take care! x x x River x x x _

"It's a standard scare tactic," Steph said, regaining her confidence quickly. "I remember Gerald did the same thing when Dylan and I wanted to go backpacking in the Rockies. He showed us this picture of this guy, who was-"

"I feel sick…" Gwen groaned.

"Man up," Steph smirked, leaning against the back of the chair again. "Grow a pair."

"Bears are evil," Kevin concluded.

Steph wanted to face palm the table when Gwen turned to him, heartbreak in her eyes. "What about Rosé?" she held the stupid bear out to him, bottom lip trembling.

"Except Rosé." He conceded.

Gwen looked very happy with herself, and Steph wanted to cry. She pointed an accusing finger at Gwen and said, "You've changed him! He never used to be this nice! And now you're making him talk to inanimate objects!" she stepped away from the computer, the couple watching with raised eyebrows. "He's forgetting what its like to be a mechanic! His hu_man_ity! How could you?"

Gwen and Kevin exchanged looks before Steph opened her mouth to hurl more abuse. It was drowned out by Mikey and Ben, who jumped to their feet and started dancing around the room, chanting a victory song and high-fiving.

"You know what? Fine! I've had enough of you bastards and your little creepy stuffed bears. Screw this shit!" she threw her hands into the air and stalked toward the door. "I'm going home." Gerald's ex was better than these dweebs.

"Don't let the door hit you on the way out," Kevin called after her.

Steph spun on the threshold to swear at him, but just as she pivoted into place the door slammed shut on her nose. She fell over backwards, head smacking against the hard floor, stars spinning and popping before her eyes. When she managed to sit up without feeling dizzy, Steph heard the laughter behind the closed door, and she got shakily to her feet and stalked to the stairwell, snarling under her breath.

"When the times comes, I'll take that bloody teddy and shove it up his-"

"Hey Steph!" Crystal was at the top of the stairs, waving cheerily up at her, a sunshiny yellow Care Bear tucked under her arm.

Steph put on the biggest, fakest smile she could and said, "Heye!" she made a mental note to launch an attack on the Care Bears HQ for brainwashing not only her best friends, but also their families as well.

XOXOX

**Lol I did a little bit of research for the facts (bless wikipedia when the information it gives you is right!)**

**Drop me a review, let me know what you thought ;)**

**xxx**


	3. Cockatoo

**AN: well, I had settled on 'cougar' but someone dropped me a review and suggested cockatoo and I was like GET IN THERE! :D thank you! …**suggestion**? I think that was the name down on the review xD but my internet died :(**

**Anyways, I have a rough idea for every letter remaining, but feel free to throw in some suggestions :D I thought I had everything pinned down, but this conjured up ideas that were just too good to miss xD**

**Read and enjoy! And also review if you have the time! ;)**

_**Cockatoo**_

"Okay," Mikey trudged ahead of Steph into the pet shop, complaining loudly to Gwen. "This is the _last_ place I'd go if I were smuggling _Jaghd Sandslide Lizards_ to Osmos 5."

"It's the perfect cover!" she sighed for the millionth time. "And Kevin _said_," she sniffed disdainfully. "It was from a reliable source."

"If it's so reliable, why are he and Ben in the car?" Mikey demanded, looking just about ready to kick the bag of grade a wood shavings by the door.

"Ben's allergic to bird feathers." Steph supplied before Gwen had a chance to get too pissed off. "And Kevin's been banned from the shop."

"Seriously?" Mikey rounded on her while Gwen nonchalantly went up to the desk and inadvertently started chatting with the sales assistant there. "Of all the bad ass things we hear that he's done over the years, and he's been banned from a _feckin' pet shop?_"

Steph bridled on Kevin's behalf. "Hey! _No_ one talks shit like that about Kevin," she gave him an almighty shove so he nearly fell into the artificial indoor goldfish pond. "Only I can do that!" she hissed menacingly.

"Some friend _you_ are," Mikey snapped, dusting himself off and stalking rather primly over to a cage full of brightly coloured birds.

Steph meandered over to Gwen, who smiled sweetly at the lanky youth behind the counter. He scrambled around for a set of keys and asked Gwen to follow him outside to the courtyard. Steph grabbed Mikey by the collar and dragged him with her; he didn't protest, so much as silently swear at her using his eyes.

"We just got these in about a week ago," the boy's voice was prone to cracking at the most inopportune moments, and so obviously hitting on Gwen that Steph wished Kevin hadn't used a sling shot against the shop owner's dog when he was nine. It would be hilarious to watch him either torment the guy by making it so painfully clear that Gwen was _his_, stand in the corner and sulk while she conducted the mission, or punch his face in.

Whoa… Steph needed to stop daydreaming and focus. Mikey was eyeing up the rabbit hutch with the thin yet deceptively strong wire mesh stretched across the withered wooden beams. There was a great scurrying coming from within, and the sales assistant looked rather hesitant.

"Do you know what breed they are?" Gwen asked amiably, feigning interest and shooting daggers at Steph. "My brother was very specific on what he was looking for."

"I…don't really know. Some guy turned up with a crateful and asked the boss to hang onto them for a few days. They're some sort of lizard,"

_Duh_, Steph rolled her eyes. Nothing got past this guy!

"I think they're from Africa?" he didn't sound so sure.

"Hmm," Mikey was, after all, Africa's voice among the team, in the same way that River was Asia and India's. "They don't look familiar to me…"

"I'm sorry sir," he guy looked thoroughly annoyed. "But I don't think you really know much about pets."

"I lived in Africa," Mikey shot back, hackles raised. "And I did a crash course in Continental Africa Ecosystems. And _that_," he pointed at one such specimen, bearing a bright purple crest on a luminescent yellow body, with green horn-spike things like gnarled and knotted wood littering it's joints with bumps. It looked like a mutated crocodile that had had a love child with a vat of nuclear waste and a set of highlighters.

Also, Mikey had spent three months as part of his Havant course in Tanzania, and that did _not_ qualify as living in another country!

"Is totally _not_ an African lizard."

"Looks like something out of Avatar," Steph commented, bending down to take a closer look.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," the boy suddenly looked scared. "They have these ink pouches, that-"

"Not African." Mikey said in a flat tone.

Gwen managed to gloss the whole thing over by pretending to be interested in the other lizards the shop had to offer. She was led away by the guy, who kept shooting her bust furtive looks that she tried to ignore.

Mikey forced the little hand held Plumber's issue camcorder into Steph's hands and muttered something about keeping an eye on things before storming off after Gwen.

So Steph hung round to record the lizards, and look at the pretty ducks in their cast iron cage of death. It was all rather dull; she wished Kevin were here to poke fun and sticks at things with her.

Back inside, Gwen was talking on her phone, and Mikey was staring at the cage of birds again. "Hey, look at this!" he dragged Steph over.

"What?" she stared at the plaque. "What, cockatoo?"

"Yes!" Mikey was excited about something.

"So what?" she jabbed a thumb at the biggest; a predominantly white one tinged with pink and displaying the weirdest crest she had ever seen. "It looks like a gay Polar Avis with an issue over which styling gel to use so they just tried every bottle they could find." She was being honest, so it stung when Mikey started laughing. "Hey!" she snarled.

"That's _not_ what I'm getting at!" he giggled. "Although, now you mention it…tee hee!"

"Oh, _bloody_ hell…"

"No! It's just," Mikey struggled for a moment to find the words. "Remember that whole school play? The only one you and I actually featured in together?"

"What, the one where I was an angry tree?"

The Upper School drama teacher was a complete prima dona; even the actors playing _set_ pieces had to have motivation. She had been so hacked off when Steph went through the dress rehearsal acting more like a thundercloud than a tree. When she got collared for it afterwards Steph told the bitch that she had decided her motivation was she was angry at Shakespeare for making them all suffer his drivel, ergo she was an angry tree, expressing herself through the medium of scowling.

"No, no, no!" Mikey slapped her shoulder. "The one where Mr Baxter wrote the awesome script for traditional fables and we were in the one about the cockerel who loved himself too much,"

"Oh yeah!" Steph slapped her forehead. How could she forget! That had been the best two hours of her life! Apart from that two hour-long bitch fest she and Kevin had had over Ben the other day in the workshop, but still!

"Go on," Mikey said slyly, a spark of amusement playing in his patchwork eyes.

"Go on what? The floor? No thanks, it's _filthy_."

"No!" Mikey pretended to slap her round the face. "You're little song!" he flapped his hands the way he had as the ditzy farmer who kept running all over the stage during their sketch.

Steph checked her stance, took a deep breath to compensate for the lack of use her singing voice had taken over the years, and belted out, "Cock-a-doodle-doo, I love you!" she was pointing at Mikey as she sang, before crossing one leg over the other and doing a little twirl, leaning heavily to one side and placing her hands over her heart. "Cock-a-doodle-dee, I love _me_!"

It was with great gusto that they left the shop; giggling like the sad individuals they were, and Gwen giving them a wide berth.

"Kevin," she whined, sliding into the backseat of his car and clinging to his arm. "They're singing again!"

Mikey grinned, and handed the camcorder over through the open window.

Kevin smirked and took it, saying, "Verdict?"

"Not African lizards." He said scathingly. "Bloody idiot…"

"Can we go now?" Ben moaned. "They have a three for one deal at Mr Smoothies today!"

"Mikey, piss off." Steph demanded, shoving her older friend out of the way so she could squeeze into the car. After the last attempt to get all four of them in there, Mikey stuck to his bike in the hopes that Steph wouldn't get blood all over the leather seats. "It was so funny," Steph leant against the headrest in front of her as Kevin threw the car into gear. "That guy was all over Gwen. Lol at the fake enthusiasm!" she laughed even harder when Gwen smacked her shoulder. "'Oh, I don't know a _thing_ about lizards, but I _do_ know my brother _really_ wanted some for his birthday. Won't you please help me? I'll make it worth your whi-' Ow!"

"_You_," Gwen hissed menacingly, a fist full of Steph's hair clamped in her hand. "Can shut up." She pulled down harder, forcing Steph the bend with her wrist.

"Ow, ow, Gwen, that hurts! Okay, okay! I'm sorry! I'm a horrible friend and a bitch and _please let go of my hair_!"

When she did, Steph curled up in the corned of the backseat to lick her wounded pride. Ben sniggered at her, before sneezing.

"Stupid hay fever…" he muttered.

"Wrong season," Kevin cut him down. He turned to Steph as they pulled up at a red light and said, "What were you two singing about when you were leaving?"

"Oh, that. Just remembering the random crap we used to do at school."

"What," Ben snorted. "Like your _angry_ _tree_?" he sneezed again.

"Oh, do tell," Kevin grinned.

Steph returned it, and told him about the encounter she had had with the drama teacher while they put on the production of _The Tempest_ back to back with _The Winter's Tale_. Gwen got bored and stared out of the window aimlessly, and Ben continued to sneeze.

"Bloody hell," Steph pinched his shoulder playfully. "What's got into you?"

"I don't know," he said thickly through a streaming nose. "Did you bring anything in from the pet shop?"

"No," Steph had thought about it, but Kevin's wrath wasn't worth trying to trigger Ben's allergies on purpose.

"Actually," Gwen leant forward and plucked a single, white and pink feather from Ben's headrest and twisted it between her fingers. "I think you did."

"Steph!" Ben whined, sneezing more violently now.

"I didn't mean it I didn't mean it _I didn't mean it_!" she threw up her hands at Kevin's glare.

"You're gonna pay for this!" he snarled. Then, to Ben he said, "Get any snot on the seats and you'll die in your sleep."

Just in time, Ben caught the sneeze on the sleeve of his jacket, before wiping his nose on the other cuff. "I think I need a tissue…" he said pitifully.

"_Eww_!" the three of them complained.

"I will build you a car and _pay_ you to take it!" Kevin muttered darkly, hitting the accelerator as the lights went amber. "So you can keep your icky hygiene practises to yourself…"

Gwen looked slightly green in the face as Steph grabbed one of the many braids her father had worked into her hair the last time he had visited; twirling the red and gold beads with the long, sterilised, blood red feathers tied into the end of the lock of hair.

"Well at least I can say – in my defence – it _wasn't _one of mine."

XOXOX

"Cockatoos." Ian said thoughtfully to himself, regarding Steph attentively. "I remember, we used to have a cockatoo."

"We did?" she asked flatly.

In celebration of catching the lizard smugglers, Uncle Max had organised a barbeque in her back garden, and her dad had shown up at the last moment to the smell of burning squid burgers.

"Yes. I don't suppose you remember Banjo?" he said hopefully.

Steph stared at him, completely at a loss. "What, _Banjo and Kazooie_?" it was her's and Mel's favourite game from when they were kids.

Ian visibly deflated at her words, and rounded on Michele as she crossed the grass with a stack of paper plates.

"Please tell me we had a cockatoo called Banjo! I remember _distinctly_ having a pet bird when Mel was eight and this one was born."

"Oh Ian!" she sighed heavily, dumping the plates and giving her ex-husband an exasperated look. "Banjo wasn't a cockatoo," and she left without another word.

Steph giggled at the look on her dad's face as he watched her go; he looked like a fish that hadn't quite realised it was on dry land.

"Wait a moment! Michelle!" he ran after him, grabbing her shoulders and spinning her round to face him. "Just what are you suggesting then?"

"Hey,"

Steph turned round as Kevin punched her arm and grinned.

"Slag,"

"Bitch."

They took their plastic cups of lemonade and made a toast to each other before chugging the bubbly contents of their glasses. They both sat down on the plastic deck chairs with Gerald, who watched with an amused expression as Ian traipsed over to them, a hollow look in his eyes.

Before any of them could say anything, Kev bounced over, took one look at his face, and said, "Daddy? Why is Uncle Ian sad?"

"I don't know," Gerald chuckled, before looking up at the taller man and spreading his hands in an ignorant gesture. "Why don't we ask Uncle Ian?"

"He lied to me," Ian said in a small voice.

Kevin snorted into his third lemonade of the hour, and Steph gave her father a superior look.

"He _lied_ to me." Suddenly he looked infuriated, ready to throw the contents of his own cup over the guilty man. Or woman.

"Who, Dad?" Steph asked innocently.

"Devin," he spat, making Kevin choke on his drink.

"Why?" she asked, flabbergasted after she had saved her best friend from drowning in carbonated lemon-flavoured water.

"Is something wrong, Ian?" Max asked pleasantly, leaving the barbeque in Ben's not so capable hands.

Steph nudged Kevin and nodded at him; this could only go so well…

But Kevin wasn't paying her any attention, so she scowled at him.

"Devin lied to me!" Ian was outraged. He rounded on Uncle Max and said, "He told me when I bought the stupid thing it was a cockatoo! Max, he _lied to me_!"

Steph didn't know what was more amusing, her father's anger, or Kevin's heartbroken face; she laughed at them both.

"If it wasn't a cockatoo, what was it?" she asked, smiling slyly.

"How the hell am _I_ supposed to know?" he demanded. "That no good, lying, _evil_-!" he spotted Kevin watching, and quickly modified his sentence, "_toe rag_."

"Dad!" Steph feigned horror at her father's words. "You can't say those things about my best friend's dad!" she put a long, skinny arm around Kevin's broad and deflated shoulders. "You hurt his feelings!"

"But Devin was _my_ best friend," he sulked at her, making her feel vastly superior. "And he _lied_ to me Steph, he _lied_ to me! Imagine if Kevin did that to _you_,"

She exchanged a quick look with Kevin, who shrugged, and turned back to her father. "But Kevin would _never_ lie to me, Dad." She put on the best Pompey accent she could manage (that her mother's wrath would allow) and said, "Ee's muh mate, innit?"

Kevin grinned up at Ian, who regarded them both with a withering look. "I don't believe that for one moment."

"It's true!" Steph turned to him and said, "Kevin, does this top make me look fat?"

"Nope."

"My jeans?"

"No, but the chair does."

"Do you like my teeth?"

"They need to be straightened out."

"Would you come and visit Re'ath with me next weekend?"

"Hell no, I hate that sector."

"Do you like my family?"

"Your little sister's are kinda weird and Kev's clingy. Dylan's a bit of a git, Tom's cool, and your big sis is just plain creepy."

"Would you take a bullet for me?"

"Depends on the circumstances, who's shooting you, and how fatal the wound would be." He didn't miss a beat.

"See Dad?" Steph turned back to her father. "Kevin wouldn't lie to me. I'm his mate," she nudged him in the side with her elbow, and he retaliated with a punch of his own.

They were about to start a bitch fight when Mel sprang up out of nowhere in that way she had, and tugged on the waistband of his jeans. "Dad?"

Ian had to squat down beside her, and even then he was still head and shoulders above her. "Yes, sweetheart?"

She gave him a handful of old photographs, which he flicked through, before coming across one that made him laugh in triumph and shove it into Steph's bewildered face.

"See? There's Banjo! Devin helped me to pick him out. He was your first Christmas present from me and your mother."

Steph took the photo and looked closely, head close to Kevin's as they scrutinised it. The bird was mostly a powder blue, with a yellow-flecked tail, with a white head sprinkled in black, without a crest of any description.

"Um," Kevin grimaced.

"What do I say?" Steph whispered fiercely, terribly anxious in case she broke her dad's heart.

"I haven't got the heart to tell him…"

"I can't do it!" she was appalled at the thought.

"He's _your_ dad," Kevin countered.

"Yes," Ian was saying, stopping the rushed conversation in its tracks. "He was a fine old bird. You loved him," he smiled at the far off memory, one that Steph couldn't latch onto no matter how hard she tried. "You used to sit there for hours on end watching him sing away in his little bird bath…"

Steph frowned; the only early memories she had of her father, beside the fight they had had when they had found him in the woods just outside a funfair, was the one bound up in the locket around her neck, which she now wore through force of habit as opposed to in memoriam.

"I remember," Mel said, turning to her little sister. "You used to try and pull his tail feathers out."

"I don't remember this," Steph said, startled.

"But I could have _sworn_ he was a cockatoo," Ian insisted. "We have them on Re'ath too. An imported breed, of course. But still!"

"Um…Dad?" Well, if anyone had to break his heart, it might as well be her. She held up the photograph and jabbed a finger at her long lost and completely forgotten pet. "That's a _budgie_."

XOXOX

**Lol xD that went on much longer than it should have :P I think the cockatoo itself as a physical entity lost its exposure when they left the pet shop, but I'll just cheat and say it was symbolic in some weird way, that's what all the best play writes do :)**

**Drop me a review and let me know what you think, and by all means suggest an animal; except for D and X, I have those down: D because its next and I have a great idea I'm working on, and X because trust me, I'll be in my element :)**

**Virtual cookies and hugs to the person who can guess what X is! :D (and this isn't a maths test xD)**

**Also, I couldn't resist making Steph look at what she will be like when she's older xD she doesn't even realise how like Ian she is :D**

**xxx**


	4. Dragonfly

**AN: what can I say? It's short, its random, and I thought it'd be nice to reveal a bit more about the Avis culture xD I didn't reference this from any culture that I know of, I just made it up on the spot because I could :) and also because I was in a music shop and I saw THE most awesome guitar EVAR! :D it was this deep green, and it had these beautiful mother of pearl dragonflies inlaid in a hexagon around the sound hole and along the neck. If I didn't already have two very beautiful guitars and I had a couple hundred quid, I would so have bought that!**

**Enjoy! ;)**

_**Dragonfly**_

Steph was mildly annoyed with Gerald.

Her dad had come to stay for a week, and her stepfather asked her to clean out the pond, because the duckweed was growing like no one's business. Tom was out, Dylan was out of state, and Mel was just not around in general. It was unfair of Gerald to demand this of her! She wanted as much time as possible spent with her dad, not doing manual labour while he was here.

But he grabbed a pair of gardening gloves and joined in, which made the job instantly more fun.

They chatted for a bit about stuff, and Steph couldn't resist pushing her luck. She flung a piece of weed at him, complete with a crocus bulb, and went back to sifting the contents of the pond rather innocuously; she could feel the weight of his stare against her side, and thought she had got away with it until an even larger clump hit her squarely on the ear.

Steph jumped, shrieking in surprise, and turned on her father with fire in her eyes. He stood there quite innocently; admiring a rose bush his ex-wife had recently planted.

"That's it!" she shouted, and began dispensing a rain of foul smelling plant matter in his general direction.

Ian yelped, and ducked behind a small bush (not the best of cover) before he stood up and started hurling clods of dirt at her. The fight continued in this manner, flinging dirt and weed and muck at each other until Steph paused in her onslaught to see what her father was doing. He was crouched on the edge of the pond, picking something up from the edge very carefully in his hands, cradling it as you would a delicate flower.

"Steph, come look at this," he said softly.

Steph crept forward, mindful of a trap, but she needn't have been so cautious.

Ian sat back on his haunches and held his hands out for inspection; nestled between the palms for his hands was an enormous and beautiful blue dragonfly. Its long, slender body was a metallic shade of blue, the kind that she and Kevin drooled over on a vehicle; deep and bright at the same time with that ultra shiny quality to it. Wings as thin as tissue paper, stretched over tiny visible veins, flickered lazily in the light, giving an extra shine to the creature.

"Wow," Steph breathed, raising a hand and pointing her index finger, though not quite daring to touch it. "Shiny,"

"Dragonflies are important to the Avis," Ian said to her, eyes fixed on the shimmering insect. "Back in the cavemen times, this is what we ate. It's a symbol of prosperity and success. It's also the emblem used to describe a restaurant on a billboard."

"I never noticed that," Steph sifted through her brief memories of Re'ath, which consisted mostly of her cousin Ashley and she getting into trouble, whether it was pelting passers-by with fruit stones or terrorising the fisherman by the Warf.

"You don't travel on the Rifcaa highway." Her father told her. "You don't see the traffic signs often enough to tell."

"Not _my_ fault." Steph sulked, wiping muck from her hair.

"But they are fascinating creatures, aren't they?"

"Yeah. I could reel off all the scientific crap I know about them from paleobiology, but I might bore you to death."

"I don't know," Ian gently set the dragonfly down on a mound of moss far enough away from the demolition site. "Being shipped to Earth in a container ship with only Devin and a housefly for company is pretty boring."

"I would have thought you'd play hand-tennis with the fly or something to pass the time." Steph frowned. She and Kevin had down that once. Until Gwen had beaten them round the head with her latest classic paperback…apparently it was 'cruel'.

"Exactly!" Ian threw his hands into the air. "We were sick of each other by the end of it."

The dragonfly suddenly took flight, and hovered in a zigzagging motion around the pond, settled very briefly on Steph's shoulder, before it zipped off into the balmy afternoon air.

"Very fascinating creatures," Ian said again.

Steph followed the little insect's progress until it was lost in the sparse cloud cover over the trees.

"Yeah," she agreed.

XOXOX

"Don't do that!" Steph shouted, practically flying across the workshop and knocking Ben over in the process.

The two of them went flying and crashed into Kevin, who was working on his car and turned to swear at them. "Piss off! I'm _busy_, and you dweebs just about ruined my-!"

"Ben!" Steph shook him so hard she could have sworn his teeth rattled. "How could you?"

Ben stared back at her in surprise, still holding Gwen's shoe. He'd stolen it off her while she meditated in preparation for finishing her stressful calculus homework, and had been about to squash a bug. Well, that's what _he_ said to her, and Steph felt her anger boil.

"How could you!" she said again, shaking him hard. "You were gonna kill a dragonfly!"

"Who gives a shit?" Kevin snapped. "Go kill Ben somewhere else. If you get blood on my ride your life is forfeit!"

Steph made a rude hand gesture at him, still glaring at Ben.

"It's a bug," she said, stunned. "I wanted to squish it and make it go away."

"Dragonflies are _important_ to my people!" Steph hissed in his ear. "They are a great symbol of prosperity! And you were just gonna kill one like it was a horse fly!"

"Steph," Kevin grabbed her shoulders and bodily threw them both out of the way. "_Sod off_."

She was about to turn round and give him a piece of her mind when Gwen Smacked them all smartly round the back of the head with her book and snatched her shoe back.

"I'll _thank_ you _not_ to use my shoe to squash bugs. Use this," she dumped a roll of newspaper on Ben's head before stalking back to the table.

"Hey!" Steph shouted at her. "No killing dragonflies! _Hey_! You even _listening_ to me?"

With all the shouting (especially when Kevin stormed over and tried to punch Steph in the gut) it was hard to make anything out, until, in the brief moment when Gwen had her hand over Kevin's mouth and the two girls paused to draw breath, Mikey said out loud while reading over Ben's shoulder, "Cool, the Yankee's won."

Steph and Kevin descended upon them like avenging angels of death.

How _dare_ those gits interrupt their argument!

XOXOX

**It was shot, random, and Steph got to beat Ben up. What more could she ask for? XD I have an idea for the next letter but if you have any suggestions please by all means let me know! :D**

**And before a forget; **echoecho-girl**, OMFG I didn't know so many creatures existed that began with the letter X! xD you have broadened my horizons! ;) alas, it's none of those things. I'm tempted to drop a hint but it might give the game away xD it's something that WAS as opposed to IS, and I'm a massive fan of Jurassic Park ;) happy guessing! :P**

**xxx**


	5. Frog

**AN: I have about a million different ideas I'm trying to pin down at the moment xD I know what I want to happen, its just the writing it in a good way with awesome plot devises stolen from the gothic books we're reading at the moment that's the problem!**

**I'm working on a sequel chapter to Encounter (if you haven't read it yet check out my profile) that may or may not be released soon, and I hit a snag in Pack Animal and I sat there and thought 'I'll just go crazy with Steph that always works' :D**

echoecho-girl**, you hit the hammer on the nail first time round with that! XD congrats! I owe you a cookie :3 although, I must confess, I'd only heard of about five of those before, and I've worked in museums xD guess my dino smarts need updating ;)**

**So without further ado, I present the common or garden frog, in all his glory! :D**

_**Frog**_

"Hurry up!" Kevin hissed, waving Steph forth as she skulked through the shadows with her jar.

"Hurrying," she muttered under her breath, narrowly avoiding tripping over Mikey's messenger bag that was splayed across the ground, along with Ben's rucksack and Gwen's overcoat.

"Careful!" Kevin managed to affect an angry stage whisper that carried quite far in the still forest, making them both wince.

"Quiet!" she whined, scuttling through the moonlit path by their tent and burrowing her way into the darkness by his side. "If we get caught I'll actually kill you. With a rusty spoon." She snapped.

"Whatever," Kevin shoved a hand in her face and pushed her chin up and out of the way so she had to crane her neck. He checked their surroundings and nodded, satisfied that the coast was clear.

"Can I move now?" she whimpered. "My neck isn't used to being stretched at this angle and it's _mildly_ uncomfortable."

Kevin relinquished his hold and turned to her. "You got it?" he asked.

"Yup," she grinned, eyes dancing with mischief in the dim light, tossing the jar from one hand to another. "_You_ got it?" she demanded.

Kevin withdrew a small shoebox and lifted the lid, showing an array of worms and soil, as well as a small collection of fly maggots. "Check."

"Shall we?" Steph asked, handing him the jar and sliding over to the entrance of the tent.

"We shall," Kevin grinned, chuckling deep in his throat, sounding like a mad scientist.

"Okay," Steph rounded on him angrily, poking him hard in the chest, but he interrupted her.

"Watch it!" he hissed, nearly dropping their precious consignment.

"Stop _doing_ that! It makes you sound psychotic!" she went back to carefully unzipping the tent and dived inside after a quick survey of their surroundings. Once inside, Kevin jumped in behind her, and they pulled the zip up behind them. He shoved the box and the jar into her hands and pulled out a slip of paper. "What's _that_ got to do with pranking Ben?" she demanded. Idiot, that wasn't part of their nefarious plan!

"I'm _not_ psychotic," he snapped, shoving the paper in her face. "_Dr_ Collins said so! I'm a healthy lunatic. See? There's a difference,"

"I don't give a shit what Riv says! _I've_ known you for longer than her," she dropped the objects onto the ground sheet and set about unzipping the sleeping pod at the end of the tent. "I'm watching you," she said, making the 'I got my eye on you' gesture with her hand before she head butted the tent pole on the other side of the zip. "_Ouch_!"

"Shut up!" Kevin shook her, hand clamped over her mouth.

"What the _hell_ Kevin?" she shrieked at him, completely forgetting that they were supposed to be in stealth mode. "Why? Just _why_! Why put a tent pole at the entrance you-!" she went off on a tangent, and Kevin tackled her to the ground and practically shoved his fist down her throat in an attempt to stifle her insults.

"Did you hear that?"

Shit! Ben was outside the tent – they were screwed, busted; you name it, it was probably one of the things that they were.

"Nope!" Mikey's shadow flitted past the faint moonlit side of the tent. "Come on! Gwen and I are roasting marshmallows and swapping Plumber's gossip! Steph pissed off with Kevin and he left his guitar unattended, so we were gonna have a rousing round of _Ninety-nine Bottle of Beer On The Wall_!"

"No thanks," Ben sniffed, and the sound of fabric on fabric issued from the place where he was standing, not two feet away from Kevin and Steph. He must have been wiping something from his jacket. "But I'll take you up on those marshmallows!"

"You can take _that_ up with Gwen. Come on! Last one to the fire's a rotten egg!"

They both ran away, yelling and screaming at each other in between fits of laughter.

"Jesus," Steph said, shoving Kevin away from her and grabbing the box. "That was close!"

"Come on," Kevin said, picking up the jar. "Aw," he frowned down at it.

"What?" Steph asked, already taking Ben's sleeping bag and strategically placing worms and fly maggots around it, tipping a small amount of soil around them to ensure they were extra comfy.

"Poor thing," Kevin cooed, tapping the glass gently. "I think it's concussed."

Steph inspected the frog that lay partly on his back at the bottom of the jar, looking decidedly dazed. "Oh?" she said, unimpressed by her friend's uncalled for moment of compassion towards a lower life form. She told him this, and he nearly dropped the jar, doubling over with laughter. "Now what!" she snarled.

Kevin shook his head, trying to keep a straight face as he prised the lid off the jar and carefully tipped the frog onto his palm. "Just the way you said that," he laughed, tucking the frog into the pillow and smoothing the creases out of the fabric with care. "I mean," he said, dusting off his hands and crawling out of the tent with Steph on his heels. "If that's how you feel about a _lower life form_ then maybe I shouldn't be hanging with you,"

Steph's jaw dropped before it screwed itself shut into a snarl.

"You see, no matter how much human we both have in us, I'm still Osmosian. Ergo, I win."

"You disrespecting my heritage?" she demanded.

"Well, yeah, in the sense that-"

"Die!" Steph threw herself at him, missed and landed in a puddle of mud.

"Haha!" Kevin pointed and laughed before legging it.

"_Bitch _get back here _now_!" she shouted, running after him.

XOXOX

After a minor punch up, Steph settled down on an old log by the campfire alongside her best friends Kevin, Gwen, Mikey and Ben.

They laughed, they joked, they played eye spy and ate marshmallows, and Kevin passed around the beer he had managed to steal from Cain before they'd left. They were having the time of their lives, far away from aliens and family crisis and frenemy-political alliances.

"Well," Ben sighed as he stretched grandly and yawned. "I'm gonna hit the hay. G'night guys!"

"Goodnight, Ben," Gwen said, rearranging the blanket around her shoulders in the chilly night air.

"Night!" Mikey waved him off vaguely, head bent over Steph's smart phone. "Cool, Pompey beat the Saints five-two! Whe-hey!"

"Sleep tight," Steph said, trying and failing to keep the smirk off her face.

"Don't let the bed bugs bite!" Kevin simpered.

They both fell off their perches laughing, earning them odd looks from the others. All except for Mikey, who grinned and joined in.

"If you do, take your shoe, and knock the blinking things in two."

That earned him the Whiskey Tango Foxtrot stare from Kevin and Steph.

"What?" he snapped, glowering at them all. "It's what my mum used to say to me when I was little. I'm Irish, deal with it losers!"

"Freak…" Ben muttered, stomping off to the boys' tent.

"Weirdo," Steph frowned at him. She exchanged a look with Kevin, who was smirking maliciously, and uncharacteristically giggled.

Gwen narrowed her eyes at them and Steph immediately sobered up; she would drop on them like a tonne of bricks if she found out what they were up to. Kevin coughed loudly and started strumming on his guitar while Steph started making notches with her penknife in the log she was sitting on. Gwen gave them both a suspicious look before she stood up and announced that she was also going to bed.

"Bugger!" Mikey shrieked, outraged and just about ready to chuck the phone against a nearby tree. "The Rangers lost seven-nil! Aww, _what_?"

"Who'd they loose to?" Steph asked, equally livid.

"Man U! Piss off FIFA," Mikey beat the phone against the cool box by his side. "Why!" he screamed dramatically into the night sky. "It's the gayest city in the UK! Even the _name_ suggests so! And stereotypical gay men are _not_ supposed to enjoy football! They're supposed to like clubbing and helping women with low self esteem to look good naked,"

Steph gave a loud snort of laughter before whacking him round the head with the handle of her knife. "Shut up! Man City's not the campest in Blighty! Brighton is, and anyway – some of my best gay friends play footy for small time clubs. God! You're such a git! If you're gonna make such unfounded and discriminating remarks against a minority group get your bloody facts right first!"

"But Steph!" Mikey took her by the collar of the lightweight jacket so wore over her tank top in the cold night air. "They beat the Rangers! Five-nil, Steph! _Five-nil!_"

"And another thing," Steph snapped, tossing him over her shoulder onto the ground and sitting herself down on his back so he was effectively pinned to muddy earth. "_Never_ take the piss out of Gok Wan, he's the reason the world legend was invented, so shu'up!"

"Who the hell's Cock One?" Kevin demanded, taking an interest in their debate.

"Gok Wan!" they both snapped.

"He's the campest man on UK TV!" Mikey said, face in the mud.

"He does this show called _How To Look Good Naked_ where he takes women with low self esteem and hate their body and give them a make over without going on a diet or anything. It's funny to watch because if he wasn't gay you'd think he was a pervert the way he goes on,"

"It's quite a feel good show," Mikey said with a smile. "Can I get up now? My back is smarting."

"Nope." Steph said, inspecting her nails closely. They needed cutting soon…

"ARGH!"

They all looked up in time to see the tent pitched for the boys topple over and shuddered violently. Gwen fell out of the smaller girls tent with wide eyes, fist glowing with pink light.

"What on _Earth_…?" she said just before Ben tore his way out of the collapsed tent.

"Argh!" he screamed, ripping his jacket off and throwing it onto the ground, stamping at it and shrieking about killer frogs of death.

Steph and Kevin chanced a glance at each other, and then they were rolling on the floor, laughing their arses off loudly, clinging to each other for support when their lungs ached so much they could barely breathe.

"_YOU!_" Ben screamed at them, taking two and two together and making four with the creepy crawlies and their over reaction. His hand slammed down on the watch at his wrist and he was obscured by a flash of green light.

Steph was still rolling when Kevin pushed her out of the way and legged it into the trees. "Every man for himself!" he shouted.

"Hey don't leave me!" Steph yelled after him, barrelling past Mikey who was attempting to pick himself up, sending him flying instead. "Kevin!"

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Dinosaur Ben cleared half the forest with one sweep of his tail.

Steph scrambled to keep up with Kevin, but he was running way too fast and had a head start of about five seconds. Jesus, that boy should could run when given a good enough reason! Still, he was out pacing her, and even in the face of certain doom from Ben's hand, she refused to die being out done by _Kevin_ bloody Levin.

And so, she jumped over a log and used the moment of levitation to transform and fly her way out of danger. It would have worked, and it very nearly did, except that Ben had more than one brain cell; unbeknownst to them, of course.

Spider Monkey brought Steph down with – of all things – gossamer.

It wrapped itself around her tail feathers, which stopped her from catching the updrafts, and caused her to crash land in a clearing – landing directly onto Kevin with a resounding crash.

"Ow!" he shouted, leading Ben to their location. "You weigh a frickin' tonne!"

"Hark who's talking!" she snarled, trying to get up, only to find that Ben had securely web blasted her to the ground. "Crap! I can't get loose!"

Spider Monkey jumped down into the clearing and blazed green for a moment before Rath stood before them, quivering with indignation. "LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING STEPHENIE AMELIA SMITH _AND_ KEVIN ETHAN LEVIN!"

"Oh please…the _middle name_ card? Is he even trying!" Kevin groaned, wedged between Steph's feathered chest and the mossy ground.

Rath stalked forward, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and saying in a slightly more reasonable tone, which made it all the more forbidding, "Let me tell you something, Kevin Levin. I was in my tent, trying to sleep, and a killer frog of death tried to eat me." He stood up straight, and they both thought wildly that that was the end of it. Then he bent at the waist and screamed in their faces, "USING MIDDLE NAMES EMPHASISES THE FACT THAT I AM ANGRY WITH YOU BOTH!"

Steph was about to retort angrily, opening her beak to scream back at him, but something landed in her mouth that wasn't leaves or enrage induced saliva from any currently screeching parties.

It was the blasted frog.

"What is it…?" Kevin asked vaguely, trying to remember something. "FML…Foxtrot, Mike…"

Steph spat the frog from her mouth and made retching noises – at least, the closest Avis equivalent. "Lima." She told him. She knew the entire phonetic alphabet by heart; an entire education in a mildly Catholic and prevalently Navel student community did wonders for your vocab.

"Yeah, that's it. Foxtrot Mike Lima."

Rath punched a hole in the ground by Kevin's head. "NO ONE SPEAKS WHILE RATH IS SPEAKING!"

"N'ohh," Steph growled, thinking how she would have bit her lip if she didn't have a beak instead.

They both swore in unison, which earned them a slap in the face. "CURSE WORDS ARE BAD!" Rath reminded them.

The frog croaked loudly and jumped onto Steph's head, nestling itself in the feathered crest of gold and red.

"Well," Kevin groaned as Rath continued to yell and scream at them. "It was fun while it lasted."

"I hate my life." Steph sniffed.

XOXOX

**I think watching crappy daytime TV and discussing all things related to Frankenstein had a bit of bearing on where this chapter went xD that, and my brother texted me and said 'OMFG you won't believe what my house mate did!' about a frog in someone's bed – and I was like IDEA! XD**

**Anyways, please to drop me a review and any requests/ideas are welcome :)**

**Until next time! ;P**

**xxx**


	6. Guinea Pig

**AN: Was inspired at a pet shop xD I thought it would be funny if Steph had a vendetta against them because…well, she's Steph, she doesn't need an excuse ;)**

_**Guinea pig**_

"What the hell!" Kevin stared at the wooden hutch in horror.

Steph rolled her eyes and tried to fight the urge to kick something. "Erin and Ella's bestest forever friend went on holiday to Germany, and _someone_ had to look after their little fluff ball. And since _they_ shoved off to go camping with Gerald for the weekend, and Mel's swanned off to go shopping with Miley and River, _I've_ got to look after the damn thing." She was very, _very_ pissed off about it.

They stood in the rainy, wind tossed garden, staring at the offending creature. It was all cute and shit with bright black eyes and fluffy russet coloured fur. It looked like the end off a feather duster.

"And…_why_ are we out here?" Kevin demanded, hunching his shoulders against a particularly powerful gust of wind.

"Because apparently the bugger's not supposed to be out in this weather, so I have to keep it in my room until this weather front gives up. Bloody clouds!" she shouted at the sky, fists raised. "Piss off back to Wales you precipitating bastards!"

Kevin rolled his eyes, and punched her on the arm. "Can we go back inside now!" he whined.

Steph snarled and kicked the hutch open. The little rat scuttled to the other end of the pen, shivering and trying to make her feel sorry for it. She scooped it up, having a lot of experience with rodents, and shoved it in a wicker basket before legging it back inside.

In the kitchen, she handed the thing over to Kevin, and read the instructions that Gerald had left on the fridge. _Marshmallow_ had special dietary requirements, and so it was left up to Steph to decide its fate. Mixing the food together in a bowl, she wondered if it would be inhumane to stuff it into a box and change the newspaper every other day. Of course, it would need water as well…she'd never had to deal with guinea pigs in her life; they'd had a dog, cats, rats, goldfish galore, that stupid budgie she couldn't even remember, and a rabbit at one point…but never a guinea pig

It was with horror and disgust that Steph turned back to Kevin, finding that he had taken the little fluff ball out of the basket and was leaning against the counter, holding the guinea pig in the crook of his arm and stroking its head with his free hand.

"What?" he snapped defiantly. "I used to own rats."

"But it's a feckin' guinea pig!" she protested. "Who gives a shit?"

"Just cause it hasn't got a sophisticated communication system and doesn't have self awareness," Kevin sneered, patting the…_thing_ on the head.

"Oh _piss off_ Kevin Ethan!" Steph stomped her way upstairs, making sure to try her utmost and leave a dent in the wood.

"Whatever, _Felicity,_" he taunted back.

Kevin nearly fell over backwards when Steph jumped down to his level, getting right in his face. She regretted confiding her middle name to him, mainly because she bitched a lot about a girl in sixth form called Felicity Woking, and because she hated the girl's guts, and because it was also her middle name.

Ian Smith was a very, _very_ evil man.

"You watch your step, _sparky_. Cause this is _my_ home turf, and I'll bloody well-" she went on about what she was going to do to him, namely exact some ye olde Viking torture practises on his kidneys.

It was with great dissatisfaction that she went upstairs to the attic, knowing that when they had first met, he would have been highly affronted by her displays of aggression. Now it was just another day at the office. She called him something rather unpleasant, and he swore back at her. They both collapsed onto the sofa and stared at the opposite wall; rain pounded against the skylight, washing the world into a dark and gloomy grey.

"I hate it when Wales comes back to haunt me." She lamented. She'd had an argument with her friend Iorwen over Facebook last night. Trust the Welsh Druid Bitch (seeing as how she was also part Lupus) to send all that cloud cover their way over night. The nerve of it!

"Don't care." Kevin took the guinea pig by its back and held it up in a reverse parody of _The Lion King_. "What's it's name again?"

"Marshmallow." Steph spat, folding her arms over her chest and digging a rut into the cushions where she might hide from the silly thing.

"Well that's just stupid," Kevin said angrily. "It's not even white! It doesn't look like a marshmallow…what was that kid thinking?"

"Kevin," Steph put a hand on his arm and lowered it so that the offending object was pinned to his lap. "I have been tasked with looking after that _thing_," she pointed accusingly at it, "when its the twins' responsibility, and all _you_ can think about is its goddamn name!"

"But it's a shit name!" Kevin protested. "It's more of a ruddy brown colour. Something like…Foxy?" he asked, tapping it on the head.

Steph tore the damn thing from his hands and tipped it upside-down. "You mean _Foxtrot_? It's a boy, can't you tell?"

"Okay, okay! You don't have to shove its nuts in my face to prove a point!" Kevin snatched it back and sat it on his knee. "But I think we should rename it."

"Okay." Steph leant down and stuck her face up its nose. "Your new name is Bernard. Happy now? I feel like killing something on Halo," Steph got up to find the TV remote and the two 360 controllers.

"Err, Steph? What do we do with Bernard?"

"Shove him in a box. I dunno! They didn't leave us any other instruction than bring him inside if it rains. Iorwen, curse your bones!" she said the last bit in a terrible Welsh accent. It sounded more like Gog-land than Southern Welsh, which was actually rather offensive, even without the jokes about sheep…

Once the needed equipment was mustered, Steph set about playing Halo 3 while Kevin sat with the guinea pig, absently moving it from one hand to another. He couldn't exactly juggle with a live rodent, but Kevin still managed to keep himself amused until Steph heard a loud snore in her ear – right before Kevin fell on top of her.

"Bitch!" she smacked him upside the head, with the controller at hand, sending the tank she was driving over the edge of the cliff on the screen. "NO!"

Kevin was stirring from sleep, waving his arms around like a windmill and muttering, "What the hell…five more minutes, mom…"

"I am _not_ your mom! Get off me!" she punched him in the gut.

"OW!"

"Piss off!"

"What'd you hit me for?"

"I _said_ get off me!"

They wrestled each other off the sofa and onto the floor; kicking, pinching, hitting…not quite biting and spitting, but getting close to it. Steph managed to worm her way out of his grip and straddle his chest, intending to smack him in the jaw while stopping him from being able to kick her.

"Err, Steph?"

They both looked up to see Tom standing on the threshold, giving them both a funny look.

"I'm only killing Kevin. Nothing more to it. He totally deserved it,"

"Okay. Do you have the guinea pig?" he asked, taking his glasses off and wiping the lenses on his jumper. "Only I went down there to bring the poor thing inside, but he wasn't in there. I assumed you'd brought him in."

"Yeah, he's just-" Steph waved at the sofa, before her jaw dropped. "Shit!"

She clipped Kevin in the face in her haste to get up and check for the stupid thing.

"Oh Steph…" Tom shook his head despairingly. "Do you need a hand?"

"No!" she said in a falsely bright and cheery voice. "We've got this covered!"

Once he'd gone she and Kevin over turned the entire room in their quest to find the stupid guinea pig.

"How could you lose it!" she said, shaking him hard when they failed to move the sofa out of the way.

"You kicked me off the couch! It's not _my_ fault!"

"You fell _asleep_ on me!" she hissed, poking him hard in the chest. "You we're supposed to be watching the damn thing!"

"It's not my responsibility, it's yours! You're the idiot for letting it out of _your_ sight. You just threw it at me and said 'hold'!"

Steph aimed a punch at him, and only narrowly missed him. The sequence of events that led to them landing in a heap on the floor were just a bit too fast for Steph's brain to keep up with; in aiming her punch, she had thrown her entire body weight into the strike, and when Kevin started teetering backwards anyway, both of their weights – plus Steph's momentum – carried them to the floor with a crash.

It took a moment for the spots and stars in Steph's eyes to dissipate, and when they did, she found herself face to face with Kevin, sprawled across his chest, and uncomfortably close. It then took another moment for Kevin's dazed expression to clear, before they both fully realised their proximity.

The effect was almost instantaneous, but Steph reacted a spilt second faster; she sat back on her heels and tried to scramble backwards, thrusting him away with her fists and shrieking "Gah!" as Kevin likewise made a noise of disgust, and threw his own hands up to push her away, trying to scuttle away from her.

"Eww!"

"Gross!"

Steph pretended to wretch.

"Get out of my face!"

They were about to start hitting each other again, but Steph noticed something small and furry scamper across the floor.

"Bastard get back here!" she shrieked, diving after it.

Kevin dived after her, and they both landed in a heap on the floor, groaning in pain as they roused themselves.

"Ouch…"

"Why am I even friend's with you? My friend's at the auto shop don't make me put up with crap like this…"

Steph raised her chin to look up at the wall where Mel had hung a poster, and something small and furry jumped onto the crown of her head. It made that soft, chittering sound that Mikey was good at imitating – the one that drove Steph mad.

"I _hate_ guinea pigs," she snarled under her breath.

"I hate _you_," Kevin snapped, giving her a dig in the ribs.

As she wasn't expecting it, Steph yelped and jumped a foot in the air, sending the little fur ball flying with her.

"I hate you more!" she said, slapping him round the face.

"I hate you _most_," Kevin countered.

"Hang on a sec," Steph picked up the…_thing_ and stuffed it in a metal box that had once held some of Ian's old CDs and placed it on the desk beneath the study bunk before she turned back to him. "Now then!" she said brightly, clapping her hands together before lunging for him. "Piss off and never darken my doorstep again!"

They were still throttling each other when Ben and Gwen came by on their way to Mr Smoothies – it was only when Gwen, out of frustration, threw Steph's degree text books at them

XOXOX

**Aww, what are they like? xD**

**As ever, feedback and suggestions are greatly appreciated/supported! :)**

**xxx**


	7. Hedgehog

**AN: oh my god! :S when was the last time I updated this?**

**xD it was fun writing this one, even if it is impossibly short :) **

**Do enjoy! :D**

_**Hedgehog**_

"What the hell?" Steph asked, swooping down to look in the shopping trolley that Gerald was pushing around.

It was one of those rare days where she and Mel had their stepfather all to themselves without their various step and half siblings getting in the way. They were food shopping, which was mildly boring since her mother had taken her phone from her so she couldn't text Kevin.

Life was just _so_ unfair!

So in her musings she'd noticed that Gerald had put two cans of dog food in the trolley.

"We don't own a dog!" They used to, but he'd died before Kev was born.

"It's for the hedgehog," Gerald said conversationally.

"Huh?" Steph asked, dumbstruck, but Gerald was already walking down the aisle. "Hey!" she ran after him – catching him up with her long stride almost immediately and spinning him around to face her. It was then that she suddenly realised just how much taller she was than her stepfather. "What hedgehog?"

"The one at the end of the garden. You must have heard the girls talking about him?"

"When did this happen!" Steph demanded.

Mel floated past in her favourite summery outfit – scintillating white and blue floral patterned dress thing. She delicately placed a large loaf of white crusty bread into the trolley before saying in that infuriatingly calm voice of hers, "Didn't you know? We found him a month ago."

What's with the _we_, here people? Seriously! Just because Steph swooped around saving the world on a regular basis didn't mean she could be exempt from family matters like this!

She opened her mouth to say this, but Gerald placed a finger on his lips (having to reach up to do this) and made a shushing motion. Chagrined, Steph glowered down at him until he said, "Maybe you'll get to meet him tonight!" and with that he went back to his shopping.

Steph watched him down the aisle, arms folded, feeling very sceptical. Mel came to stand beside her, and Steph looked down at her older sister.

"What the hell?" she placed a hand above her head and drew it level against her own body. "You're like _literally_ my knee height. You're the big sister! How dare you be smaller than me!"

Mel smiled, but didn't look up. "It's not my fault you're more like our father than I am."

"Well, _yeah_, but…" Steph cushioned the back of her head with her hands and shifted her weight from foot to foot, swaying from side to side like she often did. "I can't actually believe we're related sometimes – we're complete opposites!"

Mel followed after Gerald, holding a bag of carrots in her hands.

"We still have the same eyes," she reminded her.

Snorting, Steph traipsed after them, wondering about that hedgehog.

XOXOX

"This is ridiculous!" Ben laughed, weaving in and out of traffic on his bike.

Steph followed at a similarly reckless pace. A few horns blared at them, and one or two driver's hurled abuse, but they were in a hurry today. She _would_ be driving them in her jeep, but Kevin hadn't finished fixing it from the last time she'd let Ben use it in an emergency – it was no wonder why Kevin wouldn't let him anywhere near the front end of his own car anymore. He'd single-handedly driven her beloved jeep into a river. The spack!

"But I _really_ want to see it!" Steph insisted, dodging a reversing car and over taking Ben. "Everyone else has!"

"I haven't," he pointed out.

"You're not family!"

"I thought I was as good as!"

"No blood relation-"

"What about Gerald and that lot?" Ben sulked, drawing level with her.

"Link through Kev, so they count. Besides! We all live under the same roof,"

"I might as well live under the same roof!" he snapped.

"Nope. You don't spend enough time with us,"

Ben grumbled.

"Oh, grow up! What are you, eight?"

"Ten's a better number!" he shouted after her as she gained ground ahead of him.

Once at the workshop, Steph wanted to die.

Gwen was perched on the counter, book in hand but lowered so that she could watch the others with amusement. Mikey had a tambourine, River and Kevin both had guitars, and Lea had a makeshift drum kit made out of tool and cars parts, and they were just starting up a song.

"Woo!" Mikey trilled, shaking his instrument.

"Oh yeah!" Lea joined in, banging away with his spanner and wrench.

"Rollin' around at the speed of sound!" River began, and Kevin joined in on the next phrase. "Got places to go – gotta _follow my rainbow_!"

"Can't stick around have to keep movin' on!" Kevin sang by himself.

"Guess what lies ahead," Lea continued.

"Only _one way _to _find out_!" they all belted out.

"Argh!" Steph threw her hands over her ears and dived for cover behind Gwen. "Make it stop!"

"SONIC!" Ben shouted and rushed to join them, grabbing a spare wrench and using it like a microphone.

"Follow me! Set me free! Trust me and we will escape from the city…"

Steph glowered at them, grabbed what she'd come for and stalking out the door, but not before they'd belted out the chorus and part of the next verse.

"Danger is lurking around every turn," Lea sang loudly.

"Gotta trust your feelings, gotta-!"

"Live and Learn!" Kevin and Ben shouted at the tops of their lungs.

"I hate you all with great intensity!" Steph screamed at them and jumped onto her bike before they could reduce her brain to mush.

XOXOX

"Okay, now we wait," Gerald said.

Steph let her face fall into the damp grass with a thud. They were lying on their fronts, waiting for this hedgehog to scuttle past. This wasn't how she had envisioned spending time with her stepfather…

"I'm bored!" she whined.

"I thought you wanted to see the hedgehog?"

"But I've got nothing to _do_!"

"I Spy?" Gerald suggested.

"Oh…go on then!" Steph snapped, glaring a hole through the nearest tree.

"I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with…" Gerald looked around them, as if he were spoiled for choice. "D."

Steph considered for a moment before saying, "Duck," pointing at the little ceramic duck Dylan had brought back from DC for her mother.

"Nope."

"Hmm…duck weed?" she looked at the overflowing pond with mild distaste.

"No."

"Okay…" she had to think outside the box now. "Dagger?" she asked, noticing a wooden short sword that Kev or the twins had left out on the lawn.

"No. Although that would have been a good one…"

"Right…" Steph had to _really_ think about this one. Then, as a leaf fell from above and fluttered through the air in the twilit garden, it hit her. "Dusk!"

"Right!" Gerald laughed. "Your turn,"

Steph thought long and hard before smirking. "Okay. I spy, with my teeny-weeny little eye…something beginning with _G_."

"All right," Gerald looked around the garden, thinking deeply.

Steph grinned. He was _never_ going to work this one out…

"Grass?"

"Nope!" Steph couldn't wipe the smirk off her face when he gave her a wry smile.

"Glasses?" he asked, taping the bridge of his bespectacled nose.

"Getting close," Steph said, winding him up.

As ever, Gerald didn't rise to her bait. He looked across the garden to the recycling box where Tom had placed a cardboard box of beer bottles. "Glass?"

"And you lost it…" Steph was disappointed.

"Hmm…garden?"

"No. Although it's _in_ the garden,"

"Okay. Let's see…"

Steph rejected each of his well thought out suggestions, and grinned as he began to get bored.

"Alright, Steph. I give up! What is it?"

Steph flung her arms around him and they both sprawled flat across the ground.

"Gerald!"

He laughed in response, but before they could say anything more, they heard a rustle, and Steph looked up, wide-eyed as something scuffled through the undergrowth.

"There he is," Gerald breathed.

Mr Hedgehog shot them an inquisitive look before scampering over to eat the offering of dog food. It was covered in smooth bristles, all different shades of brown and black, with a few lighter tones thrown in; its pointed face twitched with curiosity, and those black eyes shone with intelligence.

"Wow," Steph said, barely above a whisper.

Mr Hedgehog filled his face, looked back over at them with interest, and then shot out of the garden like a bat out of hell. Who knew such a tiny creature could run so fast?

Gerald laughed. "Don't think I've seen him run away that quickly before. Must be you," he teased Steph, giving her a nudge with his elbow.

"Dude," Steph shook her head condescendingly.

"What is it?"

"Some one needs to give him the number of Sonic the Hedgehog's stylist."

They were both rolling on the floor laughing – at least, _Steph_ was, she wasn't sure what Gerald was doing besides laugh, since her face was buried in the grass.

She adored her father so much, but she absolutely _loved_ these moments with Gerald. He was like the best uncle ever, only more awesome!

XOXOX

**Hehehe :) I love Gerald (insert heart icon here)**

**Well, there's not much else to say xD other than do please drop me a review and suggestions are most welcome indeed! ;)**

**xxx**


	8. Iguana

**AN: and here is some more randomness I managed to cook up… xD**

**Inspired by the one and only Sir David Attenborough, and his amazing iguanas ;) and also because I have a picture of myself stroking an African cheetah and I showed it to a friend of mine and was like 'omfg look at this isn't it AMAZING? :D' and she was like 'well yeah, but what about this?' and showed me a picture of her holding a lion cub. Since then we've vowed to outdo each other in the photography department xD it really is the most stupid thing ever, but it got me thinking about Steph and that competitive streak of hers and I thought it would make a funny prompt :)**

**So, please read and review and enjoy and all that jazz! ;)**

_**Iguana**_

"I can't believe this…" Kevin kicked belligerently at a small stone that ricocheted off the rocks around them and shattered into a spray of fine dust. "I'm bored! Can't we go home now? What the hell are we doing here anyway!"

Steph was also bored – of hearing Kevin whine, that is – and aimed a punch at his gut.

"Shut up! You're driving me insane! All you've done since we got here is whine whine _whine_! I'm sick of it!"

"_You_ didn't have to sit in the backseat with _Ben_ all the way here," Kevin snarled, aiming a kick at a larger boulder and stubbing his toe. Naturally, he swore and stalked off in a huff while Steph breathed a huge sigh of relief.

They were here with another Rookie group to do some biology fieldwork on the side. It was great on the one hand, because the Galapagos was one of the few places River hadn't been to, so it gave Steph one-upmanship over her; and it was also cool because she and Ben had spent the last two hours piss balling around with the enormous tortoises that made this archipelago so famous. That, and Darwin's finches, but that was what the Rookie Plumber group from Osmos 5 were learning about right now – this was the sort of thing as a denizen of Earth you were expected to know anyway if you had an ounce of sense and access to the right materials. Of course, if you lived in a tiny village in an out of the way area like – oh, let's say central Africa – without the internet or the relevant text books and things like that, then Steph was sure a denizen of Earth could be forgiven for begin ignorant of Darwin and his blasphemous theories since they didn't have the chance to learn about him and his impressive beard.

Steph drew her attention away from the musings in her mind to watch Kevin pick his way up the rocky outcropping with all the grace of an elephant in ballet shoes. Ben was still larking with Mikey around the tortoises, and Gwen had volunteered to help Magister Horston with his class, since she as a native (minus the glowing part…) of this planet knew a bit more than he did. Of course, this all transpired to piss Kevin off to the point where Steph no longer wished to be in his presence, but she still followed after him, inspecting the dark rock on which she stood and thinking about how Sir David Attenborough could have walked down here once as well as he made his many TV series about life the universe and everything.

It made her grin to think of the look on River's face when she found out; that woman prided herself on how well travelled she was within Earth's atmosphere, and how much she knew about natural history. Plus Attenborough was one of her idles; if she weren't so well grounded and unfussed by religious rites, River would probably have built a shrine to the man.

Steph grinned at the thought, and made a clear mental picture of just how this shrine would be constructed until she heard Kevin yell from around the corner, and she made a mad dash to catch up to him. She burst onto the mostly flat plateau of the rock shelf, just in time to see Kevin get engulfed by a huge wave that raced towards her before it swallowed her up as well.

When the waters receded, Steph sat up, blinking the salt water from her eyes and clinging to the rock beneath her hands. She spat a dramatic quantity of seawater from her lips and tried to stand up. Kevin was running towards her, looking terrified as another wave was upon them. Steph clung to her rock, eyes squeezed shut and held her breath until the surge had passed, during which time something large and heavy with sharp claws was dumped on her back with such force it made her lungs expel the air she was holding so she nearly drowned again.

"Ow!" she yelled once the water had drawn back.

"Argh!" Kevin was by her side, trying to prise the thing off her. Once he had succeeded Steph dragged herself up so she was leaning against the rocky ledge above the shelf they were stood on, and took a good look at her attacker. "What the hell _is_ this thing?" Kevin demanded, trying to hang on to the flailing bundle of limbs and tail that struggled in his arms.

"That's an iguana!" Steph pointed at it in amazement. "Hey, you're doing it all wrong – you'll hurt it!"

"Fine! _You_ take the stupid thing!" and with that Kevin flung it at her.

Steph grabbed it and supported its back legs with one hand while placing the other underneath its neck at the front of its ribcage, the way she'd seen David Attenborough and a few other nature presenters do. "Look, see? He's much happier now," she said smugly, grinning when the iguana closed its eyes lazily and settled into her arms. "You got a camera?" she asked suddenly, inspiration slapping her in the face as the next wave only just made it to their feet, somehow missing their rocky outcropping.

"Sure," Kevin rummaged around in the borrowed satchel slung over his shoulder and pulled out Mikey's waterproof digital camera. "What's this for, anyway?"

"Facebook," Steph smirked evilly. "Because Riv's never been to the Galapagos Islands before. I want to rub this in her face as much as I can,"

Kevin gave her a dubious look, camera trained on her knees. "I dunno…"

"Tell you what, you take a picture of me, and I'll take one of you. That way, we're _both_ superior to River!"

Kevin grinned. "I like the sound of that,"

And so Kevin took a picture of Steph standing with her iguana, one leg braced against a rock and looking decidedly heroic. Then they swapped places and Kevin sat down on a rock that almost resembled a chair and pretended to stroke the huge lizard as one would a cat, looking decidedly _evil_, and pulling an Austin Power's expression at the camera. When they'd finished laughing over it, Steph spied another iguana crawling up the rocks, and made a dash to grab it; they then set the camera on a timer and started posing with their new friends until the waves started to come back, bigger than ever so they had to relinquish Mr Bigglesworth and Fido (as they had so imaginatively named them so).

"That was awesome!" Kevin grinned, spinning the camera on its chord around his wrist before stuffing it safely in the satchel where they couldn't loose it. "It was so worth sitting next to Ben on the way here…"

"Come sit up front with me and Gwen," Steph insisted as they climbed back into the forest to go fine the others. "Mikey can sit with him, it'll be fine!"

They stumbled into a clearing where they had been earlier, and Mikey dive bombed them, yelling, "Gimme the camera!"

And so, another photo shoot ensued involving the giant tortoises. Then they came along Gwen and the Rookie party, and Steph took an amazing photo of Gwen sitting at the base of a twisted and gnarled tree trunk with a tiny little finch sat in the palm of her hands. Steph had to admit though, the best one she took all day was of Gwen and Kevin, leaning against a tree trunk with his arms wrapped around her shoulders, both grinning from ear to ear like idiots. After begging Magister Horston, Ben managed to get the man to take a photo of the five of them; Kevin still hugging Gwen, with Ben laying a hand on his shoulder and giving the camera the peace sign, while Mikey struck a silly pose and Steph wrapped her long arms around everyone's shoulders, her head sandwiched between Kevin and Mikey's.

The long ride home was punctuated with snores from all sides, and even Steph power napped for a bit before waking up long before everyone else to skim through the camera's memory card and delete the crappy photos in readiness for uploading. This was going to piss River off _so_ much…!

XOXOX

"Steph!" Kevin whined loudly as she slammed the door to his bedroom wide-open and swept grandly inside.

"What now?" she snapped.

"Look," he showed her his computer screen, open to his facebook page. He showed Steph the comment she'd made on his new profile picture, of him holding the iguana, which read, _impressive! you got it to stay still long enough then? ;P_ To which they'd had a long fight that spanned about forty comments down the page. "And then she did this!" he lamented, typing her name into the search bar and pulling up River's own facebook page.

"Aww the _bitch_!" Steph snarled, fist slamming into the desk.

River still had the upper hand over them; her profile picture showed her sitting cross-legged on the pack ice of what they could only assume was the Antarctic. The dead give away to the location was the huge Emperor Penguin that was stood before her, looking down its great beak at her; River's attention, however, was focused on the small bundle of grey feathers at it's feet, half hidden under the rumpled skin of the penguin's extended belly, a bundle of fluff that also happened to have a tiny beak. There was that soft, contented smile on River's face as her hands stayed firmly fixed to her knees; not interfering with the balance of nature, but allowing it to come to her, forever frozen in time by the camera lens that had snapped this shot.

Kevin's phone buzzed from within his pocket, and he picked up the call without even thinking. "Hey Gwen," he began, but Steph snatched it from him and walked down to the other end of the room.

"Gwen! What's the likelihood of getting a mission to go down to the South Pole any time soon? Kevin and I have a score to settle with River,"

Steph refused to be out done by a woman who had never even left Earth's atmosphere!

XOXOX

Hehehe, emperor penguins for the win! :D

**As ever, hope you all enjoyed this and I'll be back with another instalment hopefully after exams and when I find an animal for the letter J, because a jackalope just feels like a cop out and that I'm not even trying if I'm honest… also, I am aware that many of my readers are from outside the UK, and indeed the USA, so if you have any interesting animals native to your country do let me know and I can use them in this story :) the more obscure the better! All the best weird and wonderful animals live outside of temperate climates, and the big bumper book of animals A-Z only takes you so far. I mean, everyone puts Zebra at Z, don't they? They are awesome animals and all, but I'm looking for something a bit more unusual… hopefully I'll find it somewhere xD**

**Until next time, take care and have a good week wherever you are/whatever ever you're doing :)**

**xxx**


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